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2)

I am writing to you to see if you would be interesting in Publishing one of my stories or more. [...] My whole collection of stories adds up to over 85 and one Novel in the works.

Ahh, she wants us to Publish her stories? Cause you know, I get confused.

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3)

Enclosed is a picture book manuscript of a dog name "Scrappy" and a stamp self address envelop

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4)

What Life Is All About is not just a tale I have created, it is theme perennial best selling authors, like God, attempt to address. However, mine targets the inquiring eight-year old, does it in less than 500 words, and is accompanied by gorgeous illustrations.

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5)

Kate K, a 6th grader from Texas, sent us her first novel along with a photocopy of her last report card! (She had five absences all year and her final grades range from 96 (math) to 99 (health). There's a stamp on it that says "great job / your principal!").

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6)

Two people, Michael and Ashley, are suddenly thrown into the eternal struggle of good and evil.

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7)

The story line is based around a female character, Alijah Jacobs, who suddenly comes into the realization that she is not really human. She is genetic impossibility [sic], a combination of a witch and a vampire.

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8)

My favorite letterhead so far comes from an illustrator. There is a row of different colored dots across the top and below it, "polka dots to make you happy." Which did indeed make me smile. And then at the bottom, under another row of brightly colored dots, "buying art brings good luck." Hehe.

Unfortunately, the story is not so good: A rhyming picture book whose chorus is "Hey there little insect, please calm down / So we can have fun and fool around!"

I have been informed by several people that these are lyrics to a song by Jonathan Richman. Alas, I don't remember whether he submitted this manuscript in hopes of publishing a picture book, or whether someone else was plagiarizing him.

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II. Winning Excerpts

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1)

Today, is Saturday, oh hi, my name is Billy.
This morning my dad told me that he has a present for me. What could it be.......a skateboard, a new bike, hmmm.

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2)

Two pairs of shoes,
Which shoes shall I choose?
They're both rather tasty
But let's not be hasty.

Tasty, eh? And yes, this is a boy talking, not a dog.

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3)

Kebrina K, "the original psychic to the stars," has written "a coming of age story of sixteen year old Samantha Grayson, a teenage budding psychic."

Of course, the writing is as stellar as the celebrities Kebrina makes predictions for ... Samantha is writing in her diary about her upcoming trip to France:

Kristen is coming and so is Jason. I can't believe we will be stuck with that obnoxious Darren? Oh well! I guess you can't have everything? He is such a demerit, I should get extra credit just talking to the dwede.

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4)

Cover letter:

Picture Britney Spears at 17-years-old and ask yourself this question: What if, after her first big summer tour and hit single, she decided to go back and finish her last year of high school? What will she do when the media waits outside her classroom and Carson Daly calls her during her history test? [Etc what if's]. These are just a few of the problems that face 17-year-old Samantha Taylor in 'Popgirl!' ... But there's more to 'Popgirl!' than just a great book. There's also music. We're offering a fully-interactive cd-rom featuring live recordings of all the songs Samantha Taylor sings in the book.

Wow. That is really just too much. The writing of the manuscript is good too...

Dust shook loose from the ceiling and floated down to rest again on Samantha Taylor's blond hair. She could feel the sound waves wash over her body and vibrate the silver filling Dr. Crane had placed in her back tooth that one summer when she was ten years old.

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5)

This historical novel opens with a hunter who shoots, "narrowly missing a peasant"...
So I'm wondering if he's talking about a poor person or a misspelled bird; the latter is sadly confirmed with the line "I would have killed that pigeon had you not startled me!"

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6)

Jerry Jack gets all the toys he wanted for Christmas and invites his friends to come play, and they all say no, they can't come, they have to spend time with their families because their dad got laid off from work or their mom is in the hospital or something. So finally Jerry Jack gets the idea to give away some of his new toys to his friends, since they didn't get anything and he feels bad and a little spoiled. Wow, it feels good to give, he thinks. Near the end of this picture book manuscript a Marine comes to his house collecting for toys for tots, and Jerry Jack donates the last of his Christmas presents. Here comes the best part:

The Marine says, "you've made quite a sacrifice for a little boy," and Jerry Jack says, "Sergeant, that's nothing compared to the sacrifices Jesus made for you and me."

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7)

Mike sometimes teased her about her size, but she took it as a chance to point out how good she looked. She always said, 'who else do you know that's as fine as me at 5'10" and a size 22?'"

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III. The All-Time Best Picture Book Idea

The boy who loved his mother's vacuum cleaner too much.

Yessir, whenever his mother got the vacuum cleaner out he would hug and kiss it, and she had to pry him away every time. And she bought him toys and pets to try to displace his affection, but he would still run straight for the vacuum cleaner every time she pulled it out from the closet, kissing it madly.

I am NOT making this up.

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IV. The All-Time Weirdest Letter I Received

Dear Sir

An old friend of mine one Thomas B, XXX WF Drive, BR, LA XXXXX sent me the book 'Treasure Island' by Robert Louise (sic) Stephenson and published by you. Of the 286 numbered pages all are printed in English with the exception of pages 49 to 64 and 241 to 256 inclusive, which are printed in Spanish.

I would be pleased if you could write to me and tell me what I should do as I find this unacceptable.

Yours faithfully
GM B.

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V. Final Thoughts:

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1)

Remind me never to move to western Nebraska, where, Cynthia C. tells me, "the only radio stations are country western and KSOU (playing the best in pow-wow music -- that is their slogan for real)."

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2)

Why is it that people write stories about their dogs and then send ugly photographs of them along with the manuscript? I'm a dog person, mind you, but these photographs aren't even flattering. I'm supposed to think the dog is cute and therefore want to publish a story about it? And the stories, sadly, they're much much worse.

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3)

If I see another letter that says "the purpose of this book is to celebrate difference and what makes us each unique" it goes straight to the trash.

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4)

Finally, I would like to tell the world of slush-senders (though these are my preferences and I can't speak for other editors):

• Send me an envelope that's easy to open.
• Send me a SASE! Come on! You can do it, I promise
• Send me a big SASE! I don't like folding paper.
• Send me a SASE with one of those removable strips so it's easy to seal. Those are nice.
• Do tell me whether you want your manuscript returned or not.
• Don't send me your resume. I really don't care.
• I also don't care if you're a grandmother with 4 beautiful grand kids or you've been single all your life but have 24 nieces and nephews.
• Even if you are a grandmother, don't write a story about one. There are way too many of those.
• "My name is ____" = bad way to start a story.
• And really, really, don't try to illustrate your story if you're not an artist. This includes illustrating it with clip art or including your child's crayon scribbles as illustrations. All the books on getting things published will tell you this, and they mean it.

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Thanks for reading. You can also find out what I thought about some picture books that have already been published, or check out what I've been reading lately.